I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
