I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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