When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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