I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
