Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
