She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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