I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
