i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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