I got chris browned last night
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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