Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
