Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
