Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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