I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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