I just threw up on my dentist
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
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