God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
3 2 1 whiskey
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
