Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
this just has baby written all over it
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
