you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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