I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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