between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
