I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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