I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
