everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
