Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
