Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
