Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
