I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
