My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
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