Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
