Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
