I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
