my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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