oh god the rape fog is back!
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
