just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
