i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I wear drunk well.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
