my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I smell stomach acid.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
i think my cat just said my name.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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