They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
