Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
