I just saw a hot homeless man
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
