omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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