Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
