Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
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