my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
