I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
