I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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