I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize