What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
