apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
