True but thats because hes a fetus.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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