dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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