i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
