totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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