don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
