Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize