I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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