Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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