the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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