i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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