I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
