Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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