i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
