Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
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